I have always tried to be a sedate, calm mother. I think that it is important to be that way so that children feel secure. If more of us mothers could be relaxed and laid-back, we'd all feel better.

After saying that, I will tell you that I fail miserably. By nature, I am wild and unpredictable. Often, I have embarrassed my children even to tears. Oh, all right, so I cried, too. But then, I am use to embarrassing my own self.

Holidays are a big deal in this family. Let's have a party, a family party, bring your friends, call up your enemies, invite the neighbors, let's have a party! Who could possible notice my underwear drying in the bathroom? Or would some visitor be so rude as to point out the escaped peas lurking under the kitchen counter? Never! Free food, belly laughs and high-jinx are the fare I serve up on Family Fun Festivities.

When my daughter was ten and my son was five, I was President of the PTA, just like my mother before me. I was more casually dressed than she, yes, in leggings and a tee-shirt, but the game's the same. Delegate, delegate

and fumigate! I was busy that spring getting ready for, Lord Help US, the Spring Tea. It was to be a delicate affair, all pink and white, with girlie ribbons and tea cakes.

Ten mothers were volunteering tea cakes; they had the recipes straight from Mama's cook book. I could assist by phone. Fifth and sixth grade girls would be serving tea and coffee. Various sons, fathers and uncles were polishing the silver tea and coffee pots for the ten "delicate" tables. I had washed ten of my treasured, and ugliest, bone-China tea cups for the event. Well, who knew who would be overcome by tea and drop one of my beloved anniversary cups?

Flyers, in pink and white, were up all over town. I was up to my ears in RSVP slips from the school. As I lay on the floor with my head on Candy2, I looked at each scrap. Who had signed these? Doctors? Baseball players? I thought about the lovely place cards I was stenciling in the washroom. Candy2 scratched her ear and my forehead.

"Ouch, you ninny, I told her.

"Mom, you have a red scratch on your forehead," said Kerry the minute she came in the door. "I hope it fades before the tea."

"Oh, it's not for a week, I think," I watched the clouds through the patio door, not moving. I tickled Candy2's toes. "Maybe even two weeks."

"Moth-ER, it's Saturday, this Saturday!" Kerry shouted leaning over me. Her long hair hung down on either side of her cheeks. Nice straight hair. She's a cute kid, I thought to myself.

"Okay, I'll be ready. Everything is organized; my lists are finished, except for the place cards." I told her, snuggling my head up to Candy2's stomach.

"Why can't Candy2 have puppies? You promised," my girl child said, suddenly sitting down and taking the black lab's head on to her lap. I watched as Candy2's tongue and tail synchronized at Kerry's loving touch. "You did, you know you did, you promised puppies

to us."

"Maybe, we'll breed her after the Spring Tea. The Ford's have big old Duke, huh?"

"Yuck, don't talk like that," Kerry said. She was definitely not the farm child I was. She knew nothing about animals or how they came into the world because she chose not to listen, although I did try. Honestly, I did. You know, this bird and that bee stuff. She was very huffy about the whole thing.

Slam! Slam! The front door rocked the whole house.

"Bobby, don't slam the door!" I shouted, not moving either. "Who's with you?"

"Mikey." said a very dirty little boy. He must have been playing in the dirt hills by the new houses. He was carrying a mud-encrusted Tonka grader. His equally dirty friend, Mikey, held a huge tractor. The mud droppings littered the floor.

"You're getting everything dirty; you're muddy! Go outside!" shouted Kerry, pointing at the door.

"Oh, well, he doesn't NEED two mothers," I said to her. The mud boy came and sat on my stomach.

"Hi Mom." He leaned over me, smiling. "You busy?"

"You smell like earthworms, kiddo," I said, hugging him.

"I know," he said, deadly serious, nodding his head. "Mikey says Saturday's April Fool's Day."

"Can't be; I've set aside that day for the school's Spring Tea. I wouldn't let it be," I stirred his curls.

"Well, Mikey says--"

"It is so April Fool's Day, Mom," Kerry called from the kitchen. I heard the Oreo bag being torn open. So did Candy2! Up we jumped, heading for the cookies.

The boys followed.

"Mom, what happens if someone pulls an April Fool's joke on you at the tea?" Kerry said, unscrewing her cookies and licking the white center off of one. She gave the bare cookie to Candy2.

"Don't give the dog chocolate; it will make her sick." I stuck my fingers into Candy2's mouth. "Give it up, pup!"

I threw the slimy thing in the sink. Candy2 looked at me, her doggy eyes accusing me of foul play.

"Here's a dog cookie," I handed the dog a four-inch dog biscuit. "Wag politely, please."

The kids laughed. I counted them. "One, two, three. Oh, oh, I've gotten a third child. Do you have a room here

too, by any chance?"

Mikey giggled, a toothless cookie face. Bobby gathered up some more cookies going out the front door with another slam. Mikey slammed behind him.

"Hey, get your vehicles! And don't slam the door!"

"They never listen to their mothers," Kerry said, shaking her head as her tongue took tiny licks of cream filling. "They're just boys through and through."

"Mom, what if some kid plays a joke on you? On April Fool's Day, you know, like puts salt in all the sugar bowls at the Spring Tea?" Kerry looked anxious.

"Oh, they won't, but tell you what? I'll pay you if you work as security at the tea, hey, get Nancy to help you." I wrinkled my nose at her, trying not to smile.

"Mom, you are so silly; I guess we could kind of watch out for you though," she said, stacking the empty cookie slices.

"Can I have your Oreo shells? If you aren't going to eat them?" I looked as hungry as I could. She just laughed and handed them to me.

"The old no-calories in the Shell Game, huh?" Kerry laughed.

I had a whole history of shell games with food, as in no frosting, no calories in cake and no mayonnaise, no calorie in ham sandwiches. I wanted to write a book called "The Shell Game Diet" someday. She went off, to do whatever kids do.

I got my mystery book, my milk and my cookie shells for some special private time for Mom. I hooked my legs around the rungs of the stool as I leaned over to read. Bliss, I thought. Candy2 must have read my mind because she rolled over, paws in the air with a satisfied grunt.

Of course, on Friday night I had to make tea cakes at eleven o'clock since one of the volunteer mothers had decided to go into labor early. She called me from the hospital; I was thrilled for her. But not thrilled about making Mama's tea cakes with a box cake. OH well

I was armed for bear on Saturday; who knew what tortures I'd face? My kids and husband prepared all year to get me back for all the pranks I had played on them all year and on other April Fool's Days for years past. The whole world knows that next to Halloween and my birthday, my favorite holiday is April Fool's Day.

I opened my eyes on the morning of the Spring Tea. I tried to remember what it was that I had forgotten. I reached for my glasses. Dark nothing. Huh? Off, it was the usual blurry world; on it was a much blurrier world and very dark.

Giggles. Pow, it hit me! April Fool's Day. More giggles.

"Okay, bring my glasses in here; these aren't mine." I shouted.

"Hi, honey," my husband peered around the bathroom door. His foam beard was pink. I couldn't stop laughing.

"Bobby insisted on helping me put on my shaving cream. Kerry was wild," Max shook his head. "I should have known."

"Happy Fool's Day, Max," I groaned.

"Big day for you, huh? All set? I'm scheduled to do some manual lifting and stapling over at the school at ten. Anything else? I plan to watch the kids." He smiled as he wiped dripping water off his chin.

"Mm, Kerry thinks she's going as my security guard to foil April Fool attacks. Nancy, too." I said, wiggling my toes.

"It's not Kerry any more; she changed her name again. It's Vicki, now."

"TA-DA, TA-DA, breakfast is served." The kids and Candy2 muscled each other trying to get through the bedroom door at the same time. The breakfast tray Kerry/Vicki held tipped dangerously toward me.

Naturally, Candy2 was happy to greet me; her lovely long tail wagged the tray.

Ice cream, apricot halves, minced toast and lukewarm milky coffee dribbled down my night shirt.

"Delish, very delish," I said, popping an apricot half into my mouth.

"Mom, 'member last year, you made eggs with white ice cream and apricots, huh?" Bobby leapt on to the bed, too. Candy2 did her best to clean my arms and hands as I held them out to her.

"Shut up, Bobby, now everything's ruined." Kerry, alias Vicki, stomped her huge tennie shoes at ever word. "I wanted to fool you, Mom."

"Oh, honey, you did," I grabbed her, as dog and boy bobbed around on the bed. I began to tickle them both while Candy2 kept at her cleanup job.

Max came out and sat down, grinning ear to ear like some country guy instead of a government official.

"Kerry, Bobby, let's go get some chocolate donuts for your Mom; she's got a tough day ahead."

"DAD, not Kerry, VICKI." Kerry yelled.

They disappeared as quickly as they had appeared.

Thinking of serious matters, I tried to figure out how to fix my hair for the tea. UP or Down? If up, did I have enough Bobbie pins? I grabbed the phone. Scooter answered on the first ring.

"Hi, Scooter, it's Rose, the kids and Max are on their way down to your place for donuts, would you tell Max to get me some gold Bobbie pins?"

"Rosie, there ain't no donuts, just bear claws, your kid's like them?" Scooter was a smooth business man.

"Oh, sure, yes, would you tell Max about the Bobbie pins? Gold ones?" I sighed.

"Okay, but we never did have gold ones, just black and brown." Scooter said.

"Tell Max to get brown Bobbie pins."

"Okay, and bear claws instead of donuts." Scooter hung up. I just hugged Candy2 -- OH well.

By the time to get ready for the tea, I had dealt with spiders in my hair, Saran wrap on the toilet, salt in my coffee and phone calls that hadn't rung the phone. I was fed up with April Fool's this year.

Max took the kids and went off. He promised Kerry would look normally dressed at the tea, even if she insisted she was Vicki. No lime green with orange stripes.

I looked at my peony-pink ottoman-rib suit with its four giant buttons; would it gap? I hadn't worn pantyhose for a month. Or heels. I mean I was a mother full-time and a full-time volunteer for sixteen things. How much could I remember how to dress up?

After putting my make-up on, getting the peony-pink suit on, I thought better of myself. I began to twist up my hair. Of course, it immediately untwisted. So I braided it down my back, like every other day and curved it into a

round bun with fifty-million brown Bobbie pins.

Candy2 watched as I pulled on the pantyhose.

"Just you wait, this is just one of the tortures of motherhood," I told her. Her tongue lolled out; that dippy dog didn't know what it took to be a mother. "Someday, when you have puppies....."

I began to look for my high heels, soft pink leather, brand-new, where were they? Had the kids hid them? I wandered around the house looking under chairs and beds. In the family room, I glanced outside.

There were my pink heels. They leaned against each other in the middle of a blue plastic air mattress in the middle of the doughboy pool. Those brats; those little brats. I glanced at the clock and began to strip.

In my slip and underwear, I slid into the icy pool, my pantyhose felt absolutely gooey, like sponge cake with Jell-0. I walked carefully toward the air mattress.

"Okay, Rose, no waves, no waves," I cautioned myself as I crept closer to the evil mattress. Snatched up my shoes. Slimy footed, I made my way back to the edge.

As I swung my legs over, I threatened to get those kids of mine back for this caper. Max too.

The Spring Tea was lovely. Kerry was a darling child, her hair pulled back into a graceful ponytail, she served the tea cakes nicely. The brat. I looked fine. No one knew my slip was damp or that my shoes were sticky. They didn't know my temper was on fire either. All the ladies had a fine time; at least they said so. Mama's old-time friend, Bertie Nelms, won the cake walk although she didn't even have to walk; it was pass-the-flower to the music kind of cake walk. I was glad it went well. Mama would've been proud.

When I got home, I was exhausted. I fell on the bed, never mind the shoes or pantyhose.

"Can I go over to Nancy's?"

"Can I play with Mikey?

"I'm going to go to the hardware store, honey?" At least Max was civil.

"Yes, yes, be good and come home right at five; do their mother's know you're..." the last was cutoff by a triple slam of the front door. I ground my teeth.

Candy2 licked my leg through the pantyhose. It really felt funny and tickley. I couldn't help myself and laughed at her. I pulled them off. Candy2 watched, fascinated, I guessed, that my "fur" came off.

I was thinking and thinking. And now I had a plan. Those brats! That man!

"Candy2, you've got to help me." I told her, my face in her face. Doggie licks are the best when you're feeling crummy and mean.

Everything was ready when my kids and husband came home at five, right on time. I met them at the front door. No slam this time.

"Shhh, quiet." I whispered to them

.

"Why, Mom, Why?"

"Shush, Bobby. I have a surprise for all of you."

"Well, what?" Kerry/Vicki wanted to know.

"I wanted to tell you last week, but I got so busy with the Spring Tea." My voice trailed off.

"Honey, what is it?" Max was even excited.

"Mommy, pull-ease?" Bobby grabbed at my arm, jumping up and down.

"Shhhh, Bobby. Quiet. Okay, here's the news." I held my breath, looking into each expectant face. "Candy2 has had her puppies."

Their faces absolutely glowed. The thrill of birth can't be measured. Even Max looked beautiful with the news. I

sighed, at peace at last.

"Can we see them?" Kerry whispered.

"Can I hold them?" Bobby whispered as well.

"But how, Rose? How?" Mother Nature had made even Max whisper.

"Come with me, but be very quiet." I told them.

They followed me down the hall as quiet as any new parents could be.

I pushed open the bedroom door.

Candy2 lay on bed; at her belly six little black round things nuzzled. She looked at me smiling her doggy smile.

"Oh, how darling," Kerry knelt at the bed.

"Boy, they're little," Bobby leaned closer.

"Hold on, WA--it, hey they aren't puppies, they're socks, my socks!" Max shouted.

"April Fool!" I laughed. I fell, dying laughing, on the bed with Candy2. Balls of black socks went in six directions.

No one in my family talked to me for at least a week. I should have been ashamed, but I wasn't. Besides, when Candy2 did have her puppies in May, they didn't believe the puppies were real so I kept the babies to myself for almost a week.

Dogs are pretty good friends. I never did tell anyone how I talked Candy2 into lying on the bed with all those socks